Believe in God or not?

Something that really annoys me and I feel quite agitated about is what I used to be. If anyone asked if I was a christian I would say "yes". But now I look back and what made me a christian then? The fact that I believed in God? But did I really, I certainly didn't live like it.
I realised now I bullied other people, I hurt other people. Not all the time but I did and never had a care for it.

More recently it's something totally possessing me.
One should establish whether they believe in God or not.
Then they should live by it.
How do you live by it? By God's word or otherwise you would establish your own way.

This sort of thinking has certainly been challenging me lately. Many people go to church, sometimes you wonder when it will become something more than a routine. I know that Sunday morning was the only time I gave God and even then I mucked around a lot.

Considering Jesus two top commandments:
-Love the lord your God with all your heart, and all your mind, and all your soul
-Love your neighbour as yourself

There is no way such a task is easy. But certainly progress towards this is better than accepting it as impossible or making none. If I really believe in God, I realise now I must give my life to God. Otherwise what am I doing but wasting my time.

I think this is also a key reason why Christianity can be so off putting to others. Outsiders see hypocrisy. One preaching about loving others but seeing the opposite. I just hope that I won't be seen like that and that I truly will be what God calls me to be, otherwise why am I doing it.

Before writing this I was thinking I must make sure this is not so condemning to others, because I know that would be hypocritical. So I decided to write it as much as possible about myself and I hope that it might help you to think about your own self.